Sunday, August 12, 2012

GW Basketball All Stars, Episode 5: Opening for Haddaway

Written by Don Pitz.  Illustrations by Seth Melton.  Seth Melton is available for hire.  You can find more of his work at

The George Washington University Men’s College Basketball All Stars work every day to spread the joy of basketball.  They encourage others to live an active lifestyle with proper nutrition.  The League of Bad Guys is dedicated to bring chaos and evil.  They know the power of basketball is the greatest force of good in this world, and could bring us peace and prosperity.  Who will win this struggle?

Last episode, The League of Bad Guys tried to imbue a spirit from ancient Algonquin mysticism to John Kopriva's jersey to convince him to do bad things. That matter has since been resolved.

The GW Basketball All Stars are at the Fortress of Basketball-tude, practicing the dance routine to their love song, "Eating Right Makes Your Body Tight (Girl)". Their neighbor Gary enters without knocking on the door.  "Hey, GW All Stars!  It's your crrrazy neighbor!" says Gary.  The All Stars cheer, happy to see their friend again. “Say, Pops. Have you ever met Ahn Furst?"

"Who's Ahn Furst?" asks Pops Mensah-Bonsu.

"Who's On First? Not that old routine again!" says Gary. They all laugh together. Gary exits.

The ghost of Yinka Dare appears before them.  “GW All Stars, the world needs your help! Haddaway is in trouble!"

"What's a Haddaway?" asks Pops Mensah-Bonsu.

"Oh, Pops" says Mike Hall. "Haddaway isn't a thing. Haddaway is the stage name of Nestor Alexander Haddaway. He's a GW alum, just like us. He's a singer, best known to mainstream audiences for his 1993 hit, 'What is Love'. What happened to Haddaway?"

The ghost of Yinka Dare explains, "Well, he's supposed to put on a concert at the Lisner Auditorium tonight. The problem is, he doesn't have an opening act. Nick Rivers was going to open the show, but apparently he has to go skeet surfing instead. Haddaway was hoping to have you all there to perform."

"I think that's a great idea", says Shawnta Rogers. "We could debut the new song I wrote, 'Eating Right Makes your Body Tight (Girl)'".

"That song has to be the best song you've ever written", says Mike Brown. "It might be the best song of all time. Normally, I would insist that we be the headliners. But it's hard to say no to a fellow GW alum that needs our help. Let's all head over to Lisner Auditorium so we can open for Haddaway".

Meanwhile, at the lair of the League of Bad Guys, they're all eating empty calories and talking about how they hate Haddaway. "I hate Haddaway because he played for the Cologne Crocodiles in the German Football League", says Comrade Chaos, in her thick Soviet accent.

"I hate Haddaway because his music make everyone happy. Happiness bad for business", says Mr. Kim.

"Grongo smash Haddaway", says the mindless oaf Grongo.

"Yes, well... I think we can stop worrying about Haddaway" says Number One Bad Guy. "I've got wonderful news. The GW All Stars will be opening for Haddaway at his concert tonight."

"What good that do?" asks Mr. Kim.

"What good WILL that do", corrects Number One Bad Guy. "Don't you see? We could destroy Haddaway at his concert, and destroy the GW All Stars at the same time. The world will be ours!  It's really a foolproof plan.  The best part is the GW All Stars can't do anything about it."  They all laugh maniacally together.

"Wait, how are we going to destroy them all?" asks Comrade Chaos.

"It's simple", says Number One Bad Guy. "If Grongo wants to smash Haddaway, I say we let him. Release Grongo!"

The GW All Stars arrive at Lisner Auditorium and head to the green room. Haddaway is practicing the Nick Rivers song, "Straighten Out the Rug". They greet Haddaway and exchange pleasantries.

"Haddaway, it's a real honor to meet you", says Shawnta Rogers. "You are one my main inspirations as a songwriter. I was hoping that we could perform my new song 'Eating Right Makes Your Body Tight (Girl)". Shawnta Rogers hands Haddaway the lyrics to the song.

"This might be the best song of all time", says Haddaway. "I would be thrilled to have you debut it at the concert tonight".

The Lisner Auditorium is bristling with energy before the concert. The packed house can't wait to see the show of their dreams. The lights go down and the band begins to play the Alan Parsons Project song, "Sirius". Just as the curtains are about to open up, Grongo blasts through the entrance to the auditorium with a thunderous roar, "Grongo smash Haddaway!"

The crowd panics and heads out through the emergency exits. Grongo begins tearing out chairs and throwing them at the stage. Haddaway comes up to the stage and some of Grongo's thrown debris hits Haddaway on his foot. "Grongo, don't hurt me no more!" yells out Haddaway.

"Grongo! Your reign of terror ends now", says Mike Hall. "How about you come up to the stage and we can settle this once and for all?"

Mike Brown whispers to Mike Hall, "Are you crazy? There's no way we can take down Grongo in a fight."

Mike Hall says, "We won't fight Grongo. We'll settle this in a dance-off. Pops, do we still have that unbreakable cage that we got when we saved those aliens on the planet Wackazoid?"

"Yeah, we still have the cage. It's at the Fortress of Basketball-tude", says Pops Mensah-Bonsu.

"Great", says Mike Brown. "We'll all distract Grongo. You get the cage and put it underneath the trap door of the stage."

Grongo careens onto the stage of Lisner Auditorium. "Grongo smash Haddaway!"

"Wait just one minute, Grongo", says Shawnta Rogers. "Let's have a dance-off before you smash Haddaway. First, you'll dance to your favorite song. Then, we dance to our new song, 'Eating Right Makes Your Body Tight (Girl)'".

"Okay", groans Grongo. "First Grongo dance. Then Grongo smash!"

Will Grongo smash Haddaway? Will Pops get the cage underneath the trap door in time? Why has there been so many references to the movie "Top Secret"? Tune in next time to find out!


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I love that this exists.

You can get college basketball tickets here.